I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
