So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
