Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
