I think I am morally bankrupt
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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