is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
