I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
