the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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