go do what you do best...puke behind churches
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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