I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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