Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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