I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
