Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
