I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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