I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
