Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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