My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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