Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
