i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
