By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
