i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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