Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
