literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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