I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
