Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
