Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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