omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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