What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
