Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
