Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
