I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
