the condom got lost in my hair
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
