Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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