you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
