Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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