Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
