i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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