last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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