I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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