Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Drunk is a universal language darling
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
