you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
