I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
