Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
