I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
