Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
