i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
