Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
