I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
