There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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