so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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