It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
